I'm not freaking out...I'm panicking with style.

So, pretty soon we'll know if we are having a boy or a girl.  We had a bit of an episode that put nerves on edge when they couldn't find the heartbeat.  Turns out our little nugget is just so active that they couldn't pin 'em down long enough to get a read.  They finally did, and everything was cool.  For that moment.  For a guy with high anxiety, this is a HUGE test of my ability to cope.  I finally pinpointed one of the things causing me the highest anxiety - I am, for the most part, helpless.  To help me get this message across, I invite Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young to the floor.

In case you're wondering, I include music in most of my posts because I like music.  It is a great way to convey a feeling.  Also, music is awesome.

So, I'm feeling helpless, and here is why.  If Corey gets sick, I get her meds, I cook, I set up the humidifier.  I do stuff, and then she's all better.  I have my sense of accomplishment and my wife back up in good health.  Now she's pregnant, and I have to wait until July before she's "better".  I can't get her NyQuil and hope she doesn't try to take too much.  I can't get her back to 100%.  It feels like hospice care - I can only make her more comfortable until her time comes.   This is a very hard thing to deal with.  I'm slowly getting used to it, but I fear that by the time I'm used to it, she'll be in the middle of labor.  Then I'll have a whole new set of worries.  Calvin is still pretty upbeat.  He's an upbeat kid.  I admire that.  Heck, I envy that sometimes.

This is how I feel on the inside most days.

On the brighter side of things, I'm feeling pretty good right now.  I'm in clothes that fit right.  I gained some weight and nothing fit.  Of course, Corey is also going through the clothes not fitting right thing, but she's got a way better excuse than me.  I just outgrew the metabolism of my younger days.  She's growing a person from scratch.  But, I can say that after finding a LOT of stuff for $6 at Van Heusen I have a much better wardrobe.  I was also able to go shopping with Corey to help her pick out some nice maternity clothes.  She's happier now that her clothes fit right.  That makes me happy.  Like I said, the best I can do right now is help her be comfortable.  Speaking of which, I have dinner to work on. Chicken!

I've found that I have to deal with things one day at a time, and that I can't really outwardly panic.  I'm trying to remain strong for Corey.  She deserves it.  I know she's got a lot more to worry about.  She can feel baby moving around now.  I'm excited for when I can feel it moving around...and at the same time, that will bring a whole new level of "real" to the game.  I think I'm freaking out now...no.  I'm panicking with style.  I'm just going to have to add a lot more style as I go.