Christmas Cheer

I am in need of Christmas cheer. It doesn't feel like Christmas. My faith is at a low point. In short, things generally suck. Maybe it has been this craptastic year. Maybe it is insomnia. Whatever it is, it is a freaking pain in the ass.

I'm sure I'll either get happy or fake it for the holiday season. I just wish I really felt that Christmas wonder. Instead I'm just trying to cope with life.

I'm writing this to myself, so if you are one of the few readers of my work, you can choose to stop now. I won't blame you.

Christmas had become a source of stress. What to get people, planning where to go, decorating, what to bring. Then it's gone, and it is back to business as usual.

This is just a rant. This hasn't been a good year, and next year doesn't look any better. I don't know where God and I stand at this time. I don't know where I stand with anything. I need a sign. Something to say it will be ok. Well, I have to do something to change things.

Here is the plan. I keep busy, so busy I don't have time to think. Maybe when I'm done, things will be better. If all else, I did a bunch of shit. Better to be a productive sad sack of crap than a lazy one. Maybe I'll get some sort of sense of accomplishment. Who knows.

Right now, I feel like this is just another day, another month, another year. Maybe I'll find purpose. Or at least something to do. Out.

Sleep

I would like to open with a song that shows how my brain works. Much like these songs all mash up to make one song, my thoughts often run together into one stream that may not always make sense to anyone but me.  The worst is when I'm trying to sleep.



Insomnia is one of the worst things I've ever had to deal with.  Especially since that train of thought that runs through my head at 300 miles per hour doesn't stop for sleep.  It is actually enhanced when I try to sleep, because I have nothing to focus on.  They say I should try reading.  I read through Genesis and Exodus before I decided it was time to put it down and try something else.  I've read entire books in a night.  Now, audio books are another matter.  I can listen to them and I have to focus, but can do so with my eyes closed.  But I got myself distracted.  That happens a lot too.  Not that I lost track of my original thought, I just had 8 others that wanted my attention.

Insomnia.  It is not fun.  It is not anything I would wish on anyone.  Here is the problem.  I can't sleep when I need to sleep.  Then I fall asleep with about 5-6 hours of available time to sleep.  This sleep doesn't make me feel rested.  It is just sleep.  Then I wake up, and it is terribly hard to wake up because I feel like I should sleep more.  But I can't.  I can't.  I have to get up and work or do things when people are awake.  And it is hard, my brain recovers quickly and is on the go again, but my body begins to have troubles.  Then my thoughts get more sporadic.  Then I crash, sleep for a long time, and then I'm ready to go again for a while.  I keep trying to adjust my sleep cycle, but that hasn't worked.  It's like I'm running in circles.  I don't get anywhere but back where I started.

I've been told the insomnia is part of the bipolar deal.  I'd believe that.  As I've gotten older, I've had more trouble with it.  I guess when I was young, I could deal with having a few hours of sleep better than I can now.  Now it just causes me to be tired all the time, and it is harder to think.  I actually just got lost in that last sentence.  I will say, the last two posts I've made were from my phone.  I'm actually sitting down at my computer to type this.  It is easier.  I can get out more faster.  My brain just flows out of my fingers like it is nothing at all.  I'm glad I learned how to type.  It would be painful to try to get this out if I had to peck at the keyboard.

So, here I am, about to try to sleep, already worried that I'll just end up spending another night waiting for my brain to finally wear out so I can sleep.  Waiting is hard.  I think when the lights go out.  I ask questions that have no answers.  Why am I here?  Why has there been 2000 years of silence from God?  What happens when we die?  Am I just part of someone's dream?  See, this is the crap I have running through my head.  That and blueprints for anything I could ever think of.

Really, I'm just ranting today.  I think it's because I'm nearing the cusp of sleeplessness.    This is a point where I break and sleep a lot or my mind hits the reset button and I spend a day with thoughts blasting at triple speed, and then it calms down.  We'll see which one it is this time.

Oh, and for the record, I've tried almost every sleep aid I can think of.  So far, no luck.  They did make me a God in guitar hero.  OK, not quite that good, but I played really well.  I think it was one of the only times I excelled on expert.  Why was I playing guitar hero on sleep meds?  Because after 2 hours of nothing, I was stir crazy.  I got up, decided to play a few songs, and then did really well.  I'm not sure what the next step is.  Maybe it's acceptance?  Or maybe I finally find that magic little ritual that lulls my body into a deep, relaxing sleep.  Well, I'll see you next time.  Wait...I can't see you.  You can't see me...oh, you know what I mean.  I'm over thinking this again.

What I've Seen

I'm trying to decide if I need a new blog, or if I should repurpose this one. Here is the thing- I want to talk more about my thoughts and feelings on current events and spiritual matters. My brain it's very random, and I did enjoy writing my random thoughts. Now, however I would like to focus those a little.

Maybe it is still random. I don't know if I can stick to one topic for long. I do want to thank those that read my writing yesterday. I feel like I've found something I'd forgotten.

With that, I have a plan. Here, in this blog, I will let my randomness continue, and include thoughts on current events. I will post more in depth as a Yahoo! contributor. Sound good? Good.

I am saving a few things for now. It is not the time yet. They will still be in my head. I do want to talk about mental illness. I'm going there because I live it every day. It is a part of my world and I can't change that.

What I'd like to talk about is the reluctance to talk. I know it can be difficult to talk about, I'm having trouble talking now. But I feel it needs to be addressed. For those that don't know, I'm bipolar. I suffered for over a decade without treatment. This doesn't mean that I didn't have good times. It doesn't mean I didn't have friends. It just means that I wasn't always in control. That is the scariest thing in the world. For the record, I'm now in control if it, instead of it being in control of me. Those times where I wasn't in control haunt me to this day.

I've heard people say that if you are depressed, you just need to try harder at being happy. It doesn't work like that. I want to talk about what it was like- just a little. I hurt myself, emotionally and physically. I hurt others emotionally, and in rare occasion, physically. I look back and see someone else controlling my body, but deep down, I know it was just the darkest part of me. People knew something was wrong, but I had convinced them I would fool any doctor if they tried to fix me. I convinced myself that it was just who I was. I was wrong. And there weren't tools available for friends and family to learn more or figure out how to get me help. There was just me, trying to stay sane. I will leave out a lot at this point, and let people ask questions. I'm happy to answer. But I want to say that there is always help available, and if you think someone needs that help, do whatever you can to get them help. I have seen the edge, and it haunts me to this day.

We hear about people doing terrible things, and afterwards people talk about all the warning signs. They say he kept to himself. She didn't have many friends. He would just snap and get angry for no reason. She talked about how no one would care if she were gone. They cried out for help, but no one knew what to do. Read up. Talk to a professional if you know someone that needs help. Learn to look for warning signs. We have to look out for each other. We have to keep people from going over the edge. I have the scars to remind me of what I was, and now I have a family that reminds me of who I am, and who I can be. Be the hand that reaches out. Thank you for listening. I'll be discussing this more later, including how religion has played a role in my healing. But for now, please, look after each other. It is what we have each other for.

Sometimes...

I wasn't going to write this, but I've been trying to relax, and my mind won't relax. I'm too shaken by today. When children are killed, it shakes a man to his core. As a father, I cannot even imagine what this is like for the people left behind. If it were to happen to Calvin... What I wanted to talk about is how it can rattle the very soul. Faith is shaken and strained at times like this. My faith is shaken. My faith in humanity. God. The world. Humans are such fragile things. I've been reading news stories, trying to understand it, but I don't know that it can be understood. I've read social media blurbs. Pray. Blame guns. Label the killer as evil.

What do we pray for? Healing? Understanding? Guidance? At times like this, I pray that I can still here God. I figure out the rest after that. I may sound crazy, but I can't call the killer evil or blame guns. Public debate on policy can wait. Why won't I say the killer is evil? Because I don't know him. I don't know what made him do what he did. I stop and think about it and it terrifies me to think about what would push someone over the edge. That we are all human: we are all fragile.

Tonight, my prayers go out to the families coping with an unfathomable loss. I pray for the survivors, asking why they live while others do not. I pray for the family of the shooter. They have suffered a terrible loss, and have questions with no answers. I pray, because at times like this, I have to believe someone is listening. Sometimes, we just need something to believe in to get us through another day. The Sun will rise, it will set. Time stops for no one. Today is a reminder that sometimes, there are no winners; there are no bad guys. Sometimes, there are just people, and people are fragile. Now is a time for healing. I pray that I never see something like this again.