What I've Seen

I'm trying to decide if I need a new blog, or if I should repurpose this one. Here is the thing- I want to talk more about my thoughts and feelings on current events and spiritual matters. My brain it's very random, and I did enjoy writing my random thoughts. Now, however I would like to focus those a little.

Maybe it is still random. I don't know if I can stick to one topic for long. I do want to thank those that read my writing yesterday. I feel like I've found something I'd forgotten.

With that, I have a plan. Here, in this blog, I will let my randomness continue, and include thoughts on current events. I will post more in depth as a Yahoo! contributor. Sound good? Good.

I am saving a few things for now. It is not the time yet. They will still be in my head. I do want to talk about mental illness. I'm going there because I live it every day. It is a part of my world and I can't change that.

What I'd like to talk about is the reluctance to talk. I know it can be difficult to talk about, I'm having trouble talking now. But I feel it needs to be addressed. For those that don't know, I'm bipolar. I suffered for over a decade without treatment. This doesn't mean that I didn't have good times. It doesn't mean I didn't have friends. It just means that I wasn't always in control. That is the scariest thing in the world. For the record, I'm now in control if it, instead of it being in control of me. Those times where I wasn't in control haunt me to this day.

I've heard people say that if you are depressed, you just need to try harder at being happy. It doesn't work like that. I want to talk about what it was like- just a little. I hurt myself, emotionally and physically. I hurt others emotionally, and in rare occasion, physically. I look back and see someone else controlling my body, but deep down, I know it was just the darkest part of me. People knew something was wrong, but I had convinced them I would fool any doctor if they tried to fix me. I convinced myself that it was just who I was. I was wrong. And there weren't tools available for friends and family to learn more or figure out how to get me help. There was just me, trying to stay sane. I will leave out a lot at this point, and let people ask questions. I'm happy to answer. But I want to say that there is always help available, and if you think someone needs that help, do whatever you can to get them help. I have seen the edge, and it haunts me to this day.

We hear about people doing terrible things, and afterwards people talk about all the warning signs. They say he kept to himself. She didn't have many friends. He would just snap and get angry for no reason. She talked about how no one would care if she were gone. They cried out for help, but no one knew what to do. Read up. Talk to a professional if you know someone that needs help. Learn to look for warning signs. We have to look out for each other. We have to keep people from going over the edge. I have the scars to remind me of what I was, and now I have a family that reminds me of who I am, and who I can be. Be the hand that reaches out. Thank you for listening. I'll be discussing this more later, including how religion has played a role in my healing. But for now, please, look after each other. It is what we have each other for.